I Miss You
by kingsmeadroad
Summary: TV Prompt- How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand: there is no going back?


**Disclaimer: I do not own anything Criminal Minds related. Characters are merely borrowed and will be put back later. ;)**

**A/N: I debated whether or not to post this. I wrote it over a week ago, but it fitted quite well with this prompt and so I decided to post it. It's angsty. ANGSTY I SAY. :) Have fun reading!**

**Title: I Miss You**

**Prompt: Rites of Spring**

***

"_How do you pick up the threads of an old life?  
How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand:_

_There is no going back.  
There are some things that time cannot mend.  
Some hurts that go too deep; that have taken hold."_

***

It was one of the most beautiful days he had ever seen. The spring sun seemed to split its rays over the rocks on the ground and the ricochet of light flickered through the green growth of the trees as they rustled in the wind. He could feel the warmth on his face, and he couldn't help but smile. The cerulean sky stared down at him, the odd cloud floating haplessly, lazily overhead. He basked in the light, revelling in the undeniable beauty of the breeze in the trees and the tiny flowers springing out of the grass nearby.

And then, finally, no longer able to stop himself, he wandered closer, forcing himself to see the horrible truth that faced him in his dreams every night. It had been three months. In that three months, Aaron Hotchner had barely eaten, barely slept, barely worked and barely functioned.

Aware that she was dying, she had spoken to him honestly, allowing him a final chance to see every thought she would ever have about him or for him- the final things she had to say, that were most certainly painful to voice as she neared the end.

He had sat with her, when she passed on. He had held her hand and squeezed it until he felt all life depart. He liked to imagine that she was somewhere nearby, looking out for him, making sure he survived- even though there were times when he knew in his heart that this was a half life; a life nobody should want. A life he didn't want- not without her.

He sat in front of the grey stone and let the sadness come, as he knew it must. He felt every muscle and bone in his body ache when he thought of all the things he never got to say, the things he hadn't gotten to do; the promises he'd made that he would never be able to keep. Bitterness swelled inside him when he came to the realisation that she had been taken from him in the worst way possible; long before her time- and long before his.

But he couldn't be angry with her. She had fought to the bitter end, determined that she would make it to their wedding, determined that though she might not be able to have children, she would care for Jack. Determined that she would win. What he was forced to face was that she had not been destined to win. Nothing else made sense to him. And though he had said, diplomatically and honestly, following the funeral, that he felt she was in a better place, his selfish streak had taken over.

The best place for her was with him. He had cared for her throughout the illness, helped her to walk, to talk, to move and on occasion, when she was able, to dance. When she bled, he held her. When she cried, he pulled her close and cried with her. And at the end, when she died, there was nothing he could do; no comfort he could give her. She was gone.

He closed his eyes and left the tears fall. His face was red and blotchy, his fists clenched as he tried his hardest to suppress feelings he had never felt before this moment. More and more tears fell, falling onto his arms, and eventually he wrapped his arms around his knees and simply allowed himself to cry on.

He would never get her back; he would never forget her. There was solace in the knowledge that she would always be part of him; there was agony in the same realisation. He would never be free of her; he didn't want to be. The conflicting hurts beat his emotions senseless, and eventually there was nothing else he could give, save the promise he had already given her.

He swore that he would see her again, but not for a very long time.

He sobbed out loud, the cycle of hate and fear and never ending love beginning all over again. And just as he lowered his head and roared his sadness to the ground, a hand touched his shoulder and Derek Morgan sat beside him. Neither of them said anything, but Aaron could see that Derek too was crying. His eyes were swollen and he was biting his lip.

When Aaron looked back at the grave, he clenched his fists again, lifting them to his mouth in an attempt to stifle the pain. Morgan reached an arm around his shoulders and pulled Aaron's head closer to comfort him.

And then came Penelope, who sat next to Derek and dropped a rose near the grave, letting Emily know that they were thinking of her. She was crying too, desperately missing one of her best friends; a woman who had helped her through nightmares and giggled with her when she needed it; someone to trust, who cared for Penelope and cherished her as any sister would. It burned her to think that she would never see Emily again. Everything happens for a reason' Penelope could not see the reason for this. She buried her face in Derek's shoulder and sniffed sadly.

JJ arrived with Rossi and she sat between Aaron and Dave, carefully stroking Aaron's back, shushing him quietly and trying her best not to cry. She had cried so much recently that to do any more of it seemed senseless. But she wasn't going to deny that it hurt; she just wasn't sure that there were any more tears to give. Dave held her hand to keep her steady, and he himself was struggling too. Emily had been the life and soul of the group. Warm, loving, caring and fun, she had been the foundation of their team. It was hard for them all; but Dave's thoughts as he eyed the stone in front of him, rested entirely with Aaron, still shaking and crying just two people away.

And so Reid, seeing the rest of the team, came out from behind the tree he had been lurking behind. He wasn't ashamed to admit his distress. Emily had been closer to him, and had gotten closer to him, than any other member of the team save Gideon. He valued her and loved her; for all his intelligence, he couldn't reconcile her loss with anything decent or worthwhile. No theory made sense, no equation fitted, no statistic matched. He was, for once, utterly lost. And that only upset him further. He sat next to Penelope and she hugged him when he flopped beside her.

Nobody spoke for a long time; the only thing to hear was the sniffles and sighs of a team attempting to adjust to life without one of their own. The true reason they had come was for Aaron; he had left work in a hurry, and they had all known where he was going. They followed him, each of them trying to fight their own feelings as well as being sensitive to his.

And he loved them for it; he did. He might never get to tell them that, but after losing Emily, the only thing that had kept him alive was the fact that they needed him. In the past few weeks they had seen him fall apart at so many times and instances; seen him cry, beat his fists against the table in his office; seen him collapse into a chair and gaze into mid air thinking about her, tears sliding down his face time after time.

He crouched over again, allowing his team to prop him up, allowing them to help as he couldn't help himself. The sky stared down, the warmth of the sun spreading across the spot where they sat, touching them and making them feel just that little bit safer; appeased somehow, assured that the world would go on, and that it's beauty, while diminished without Emily, would never be beaten entirely.

When he felt slightly calmer, Aaron sat up and just looked ahead. He was still crying, but it was calmer now, lighter and cleaner. He managed to get to his feet, each member of his team following his lead and standing up, their grief temporarily abated. They watched him walked closer to where the love of his life lay in silence. He knelt in front of the stone and kissed it softly.

"I miss you," he said quietly.

And that was all he needed to say. He stood again, another tear squeezing free as he brushed his fingers against her name. He turned to the team and smiled sadly. He would never be able to tell them how much they had helped. But they knew.

"I miss you," he said again as he looked back at the grave. And then he turned and walked away, the breeze ruffling against his shirt. They followed him, Derek and Penelope walking either side of him, Dave just behind, and JJ walked with Reid, her arm around his waist.

"I miss her so much," he said, and Derek again reached across his shoulders while Penelope grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly. But he knew in his heart that he had to live on. He had so much to do- and he was certain that every last day of his life, he would think of her.

And he would miss her.

***

"_You cannot always be torn in two.  
You have to be one and whole for many years.  
You have so much enjoy and to be and to do.  
Because your part in the journey goes on."_

_Frodo Baggins_

***


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